Cerebral-Punishment

Let’s Just Kiss…and Say Goodbye.

cerebralpunishment — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 02:50:32 +0000

Dear Maryland,

We all knew this time would come, but I think I finally need to come out and tell you: I am leaving you. See, I met someone else. Her name is Monterey California. She is beautiful, smart, friendly, sexy, adventurous, a little naughty, and a great cook….you know, all the things you are not. I wish I could say that meeting her is the only reason I am leaving you, but there are so many more, and I need to get them off my chest.

First of all, I don’t like the way you drive. You are possibly the worst driver I have ever seen..and I have lived in Europe. You drive slow in the passing lane, pass on the right, run red lights, and sit at green lights. No matter what you think, you are not so important that you can illegally park in every fire lane in town. And the sad thing is, no matter how often you do it, the “boys in blue” never do anything about it.

I don’t like the fact that you can’t decide if you are “city” or “country” or “coastal” or “ghetto” or what. Just who are you?

I don’t like the fact that you cheer for the Ravens and the Capitals. I have tried to educate you on the error of your ways when it comes to sports, but you will never understand. You will never know the greatness that is the City of Champions.

I don’t like the fact that you think the Olive Garden is “fine dining”.

I don’t like your friends. Oh, some of your friends are fine…the Money Chicks, the OBP’s…ok, that’s about it. But how you could hang out with people like Bicycle Boy, Frankenstein, Lackey #1, the Kool-Aid Kid, and the Mavericks is beyond me.

I do have to admit, however, that she does drive just like you…however, she does it in a BMW instead of a be-stickered Mustang or a Rolling Tomb Stone.

There is so much more, but I guess I have said enough. It was never meant to be. You might find another like me, but I highly doubt you will EVER get that lucky. I guess all I can do is wish you the best of luck. Let’s just kiss, and say goodbye.

Till next time…drinks are on me,

Random Rants for June 2011

cerebralpunishment — Mon, 27 Jun 2011 18:09:00 +0000

And now, for some LONG overdue Random Rants.

- Does anyone else think it’s disturbing how vehemently Geraldo Rivera is defending Casey Anthony? It’s just too creepy. I literally need a shower after watching him talk about her.

- War is not the answer…unless the question is “What is the name of a very easy card game”.

- Sign of the Apocalypse?: 7-foot white man wins NBA finals Most Valuable Player award.

- Quick note to the people of Southern Maryland: Just because the lights are low and a movie is playing in front of you, it doesn’t mean we are in YOUR FUCKING LIVING ROOM! Act like you have been in public before!

- The more I think about it, War just might be the answer.

- Do any of my readers know what “vehemently” means?

- A Troop draw-down in Afghanistan is a great idea….if you are planning on running for re-election, that is. Just sayin’.

- Sign of the Apocalypse? As of this writing, the Pittsburgh Pirates are over .500 and only 3 games out of first place.

As always, I would love to hear what you think. Feel free to comment below.

Till next time…drinks are on me,

2010 Christmas Wish List

cerebralpunishment — Tue, 21 Dec 2010 15:51:31 +0000

Hello again, everyone. Over the past couple of years, I have given my Christmas wish list to Santa in hoping that he would come through for me. He came through on some (See ya, Nancy Pelosi!), he reneged on others (like that deal between the Devil and the New England Patriots!), and flat out blew me off on some (still waiting on Jon Stewart’s “redistribution of wealth”). Ok, I know it’s a little late, but since I have been a VERY good boy this year, I am here to submit my 2010 Christmas wish list:

- Since I can’t beat it, I might as well join it. I want my own Reality TV show. I just need to figure out what the “hook” will be.

- For all people that have children, I want them to have kids like my good friends Mike and Missy. Whatever you are doing to make those kids so well-behaved, you should bottle it and sell it! I know a TON of potential customers!

- How about that 3-way with me, Milla Jovovich, and that waitress from The Cracker Barrel? Can we make that happen, already?

- An “audience” that doesn’t think they are watching my stage show in their living room. (Unless, I can get that Reality TV show that I previously asked for).

- A Famine of Biblical proportions for everyone who owns property on “Farmville”.

- And finally, another Stanley Cup for the Pittsburgh Penguins. (I shouldn’t have to ask for this…we all KNOW it’s going to happen…Suck on that, Capital fans!)

So, that’s my wish list. Let me know what you think and feel free to add to it. Can’t wait to hear from you. Merry Christmas, everybody.

Till next time….drinks are on me,

F U ESPN!!!! (Part II)

cerebralpunishment — Wed, 10 Nov 2010 15:08:23 +0000

Just when I thought I had my anger management issues under control, ESPN does it to me again. It’s been a while since I ranted about this “sports channel”, but after the past few months of stewing, I can’t hold it back. Where to start?

The Summer That Wasn’t (or ESPN covers The World Cup): Yep, here’s that soccer event that happens every 4 years. (I WILL NOT call it “Football” like the Europeans do. We won the war, we can call it whatever we want) I found out why they only hold it every 4 years. It’s because 90% of the countries that participate in it need those 4 years to scrounge up enough money to be able to fly to whatever God-forsaken country that is holding said event. If you really need a reason to watch it, simply watch it for the riots that occur between the fans of the countries that REALLY hate each other.

ESPN still hates hockey: Explain this to me. Someone tell me why ESPN needs four men to discuss the NBA finals, but only one man to talk about the NHL Playoffs. Really? It takes four men to tell me that Kobe Bryant and LeBron James don’t know how to PASS? I would pay to see Matthew Barnaby walk off the hockey set, walk over to the NBA set, and show all 4 of these idiots what a “hard foul” really feels like.

Déjà vu: Brett Favre, LeBron James, Dallas Cowboys, Yankees, Brett Favre, LeBron James, Dallas Cowboys, Brett Favre, Yankees, LeBron James, Cowboys, Brett Yankees, LeBron Cowboys, Yankee Favre, oh..and Big Ben didn’t rape some skank in Georgia!

A Douche Bag by Any Other Name: Do you know what Colin Cowherd, Mike Greenberg, Bill Plashcke, Michael Wilbon, Tony Kornheiser, and Jim Rome have in common? None of them have ever played sports a day in their life, yet ESPN feels the need to pay them and give them air time.

So, there you have it. Be on the look out for Part III…I am sure these assholes will find yet ANOTHER way to piss me off before the year is over.

Till next time….drinks are on me,

An Open Letter to Maryland Drivers.

cerebralpunishment — Wed, 15 Sep 2010 18:43:34 +0000

Starting October 1st, Maryland state law will prohibit motorist from talking on a cell phone while operating a motor vehicle. Now, while this is a GREAT idea, it still doesn’t solve the myriad of problems that Maryland “drivers” actually cause. To wit, my complaints:

- When driving on a 4-lane road, the right lane is for “traveling” and the left lane is for “passing”. It’s a simple rule that is taught on day 3 of Drivers’ Ed. Apparently, this is too much for your average Marylander to handle.

- Can someone tell me why it takes so fucking long for people in Maryland to make a right hand turn? Really?

- What is up with the “Rolling Tombstones”? What happened to the good old days of sports or political bumper stickers? Those were fun. Instead, I am stuck looking at “In Memory Of…” on every other car. And of course, if you try to read the fine print on these things, you will probably cause an accident…..then someone will have an “In Memory of…. YOU” sticker on their car!

- Wow, you’re in the military? I would never have known unless I saw all those stickers on your car…and the license plate…and the license plate frame. How much is the Navy paying you for all that advertising?

- “Fat” is not a handicap. Just because you can’t put down the Twinkies and Mountain Dew you think you have the right to park in handicap parking spaces. You don’t. I have an idea. Why don’t you park at the far end of the lot, and WALK? That might help cure your “handicap”.

- I always thought a solid yellow line painted on a sidewalk meant “no parking” or “emergency vehicles only”. However, in Southern Maryland, it means “Welfare Recipient Parking”. That makes sense. I mean, we can’t expect you to park 30 feet away when you are stopping to spend my tax dollars on your 12-packs of Stroh’s and lottery tickets now, can we?

- A recently conducted scientific study has provided the following results: In Southern Maryland, the ratio of Ford Mustangs to Homosexual Males is roughly 1:1. The study went on to report that these same people also think the movie “Top Gun” is a documentary.

I am sure I missed some people here, so I am asking all you non-Maryland motorists to let me know what you see the next time you lose a bet and have to drive through Maryland.

Till next time…drinks are on me,

2010 New Year Resolutions (Late Edition)

cerebralpunishment — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 23:08:41 +0000

Well, one of my first New Year’s Resolutions was going to be “update my site in a more timely manner”, but as you can see by the date, that one has already gone out the window. I do, however, have a few more that I plan on keeping. So, here’s what Brian is going to do in 2010.

- In keeping up with current technology, all my live shows will now be in 3-D.

- Last year, I made a resolution to bring back the words “Nefarious” and “Skullduggery”. This year, I am making up a new phrase that I want you all to use. For now on, instead of saying “you got screwed/fucked over” you will now say “You got Pine’d”. Anyone who was in Altoona last year knows EXACTLY what this means.

- I am going to embrace “Change” and “Hope”. I will take the “Change” the government has left me after taxes and “Hope” to buy a winning lottery ticket with it.

- I will come to terms with that fact that life is not just one long episode of “Scrubs”. However, I will continue to believe that Dr. Perry Cox, is indeed a Prophet and He will lead us into the Promised Land.

- I will finish establishing the First Church Of Brian-Tology. Remember, membership is just an email away.

- I am going to make people realize that Hockey is the greatest sport in the world. And staying with the world of sports, I will continue my war against ESPN and not rest until Colin Cowherd, Steven A. Smith, Mike Wilbon, Tony Kornheiser, and Mike Greenberg are all unemployed.

- This one might hurt but……I will no longer tolerate people who come up to me and say “you should use this (insert lame story/joke/anecdote here) in your act”. At this point, you will have my undivided attention…and will you most likely not appreciate my response. There are certain people who are exempt from this rule, but they already know who they are. The rest of you, heed above warning.

- I am going to make the United States a better place….as soon as I can figure out how to saw Maryland/Washington D.C. off the continent and float it over to Europe.

So, that’s what I got. Let me know what you think. Happy 2010 to everyone!

Till next time…drinks are on me,

Let There Be Light (Beer)!

cerebralpunishment — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 21:52:09 +0000

As a child, my parents (more so my Mother) had big plans from me. She would drag me to church every Sunday, make me attend vacation bible school in the summer, and got involved with the church’s’ youth group every Sunday night. The big event, however, was that once a year “show” when the member’s of the youth group got to perform the entire church service. Guess who always got picked to deliver the “sermon”. Yep..this guy! This CONVINCED my mother that I was going to be a Methodist Minister. I think she finally gave up on the idea one Sunday morning, when instead of slowly drinking the little plastic cup of communion wine (Methodist use grape juice for some reason), I threw it back like a shot of tequila. Oh the looks I got in church that day!

All these years later, the parallel of what she wanted and where I actually ended up is quite unique. Technically, I do have a congregation…we just meet on Saturday nights instead of Sunday mornings. Church’s have a choir…I have a juke box. And, instead of communion wine, we use Jack Daniels.

Now that I have had time to think about it, I may have found a way to make her wish come true, yet stay true to myself. With that being said, you are all cordially invited to join “THE CHURCH OF BRIAN-TOLOGY”!
Membership is free. You don’t have to donate any money, change your lifestyle, be “nice” to anybody, or get up early on Sunday. All you have to do is spread the Word!

However, as “Brian-Tologists”, you will have to follow some rules. I now present to you, the “10 Commandments of Brian-tology”!

1. Thou Shalt Not Compare Me to Any Other Comic! (“Hey, you remind me of….”)
2. Thou Shalt Not Heckle! (If you were funnier than me, you would be on stage and I would be paying to see you)
3. Thou Shalt Not Tell Me What Jokes To Use! (“You should use this in your act”)
4. Remember the Happy Hour, and Attend It Often!
5. Honor Thy Waiter and Thy Waitress…and Tip Generously!
6. Thou Shalt Not Consume “Fruity Drinks”!
7. Thou Shalt Not Steal…My Material!
8. Thou Shalt Not Kill….Unless the A**Hole Steals My Material.
9. Thou Shalt Not Worship False Comics! (Mencia, Rogen, Carrot Top)
10. Honor the Past (Pryor, Dangerfield), Respect the Present (Fatel, Stanhope, Hooper), Support the Future (Brian Lee)!
Remember these Commandments in the name of The Father (Lenny Bruce), the Son (George Carlin), and the Holy Ghost (Sam Kinison)….Am-stell!

I am sure as time goes on there will be more (not like these are “set in stone” or anything), but we will stop at 10 for now.

If you are ready to accept Brian-tology into your life, leave a comment below. Let everyone know that you are, indeed, a true BRIAN-TOLOGIST!

Till next time….drinks are on me,

Random Rants for May 2009

cerebralpunishment — Mon, 04 May 2009 15:21:52 +0000

Time for another long overdue round of Random Rants. I’ts been a while since I did some rants…so I wrote a little more than usual. Hope you enjoy!

- Recently I was asked to go see the new Seth Rogen movie. Against my better judgment, I went…..and I am JUSTIFIED! In this movie, Rogen proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is indeed an unfunny ”one trick pony”. The highlight of the movie was when the friend who invited me leaned over about 20 minutes in and said “I am SOOO sorry about this”.

- Woo Hoo…another Cinco de Mayo! Isn’t it ironic that most of the “gringos” who go out and celebrate this are the same people who bitch about the “illegal aliens”? Most people don’t even know what the “holiday” represents. For all they know, Cinco de Mayo translates to “Cheap Coronas”. In actuality, Cino de Mayo commemorates the Mexican army’s unlikely defeat of the French at the Battle of Puebla. Come on…the French? If we were to have a celebration for every time the French got beat….we would be drunk EVERYDAY.

- Strange, but I feel like I wrote this before.

- Speaking of politics (was I?)…fuck you Arlen Specter…nice move jumping ship to try and save your job. But that is not really a bad thing. See, if the Left get total control of the House AND the Senate….America has no one else to blame when shit gets fucked up. Mission Accomplished.

- How about this…instead of Cinco de Mayo, why don’t we celebrate something important this month? How about making the same big deal on…I don’t know..Mother’s Day?

- Reason to hate Southern Maryland #127: Movie theaters and movie theater patrons. It absolutely sucks being a movie junkie here in Southern Maryland. I cannot believe the shit I see when I go to the movie theater near my house. Most recently, I got to see two candidates for “Mother of the Year” bring their 1 year old kids to see a rated-R horror movie. Just because you are too cheap to get a babysitter, I have to listen to your kid WAIL in this enclosed room while I am trying to watch a flick. Good job in considering every one else who paid $12 to see this flick. Where are Child Youth Services when you need them?

- I will do you one better. How about Memorial Day? Now THAT is a day that needs celebrated…and celebrated properly. Remeber, it’s more than just a “day off”….remember WHY you have that day off. Get out, support your Veteran’s, and be glad you live in the GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD!…until the Left fuck it up, that is.

- Strange, but I feel like I wrote this before.

- Barry Melrose picked the Philadelphia Flyers to beat the Pittsburgh Penguins in 6 games in the opening round of the Stanley Cup Playoffs. Hmmm, guess that didn’t happen. You know what Barry…if you knew anything about hockey you might still be coaching instead of getting your ass fired after 10 games. He has gone on to pick the Washington Crap-itals to beat the Pens in 7. Thanks again…that’s a lock for the Pens to make the finals. Oh, and Philly fans you are welcome. I didn’t rub it in like I did last year. You can put your “thank yous” and congratulations in the comment box below.

- Finally, Jay Mohr. Normally, I put this guy in same category that I put Nicholas Cage, Seth Rogen, and Robin Williams. However, today, I gained a little respect for him. I heard him on a radio show talking about his stand up routine. All I can say, is “Bravo, Jay”. Finally, a comedian who will fight the “norm” and say whatever he wants on the stage and not worry about the criticism that may come with it. Way to beat the stereotype, Mr. Mohr.

That’s it for now. Looking forward to seeing you all at the show on the 30th.

Till next time…..drinks are on me,

The Art of the Inside Joke.

cerebralpunishment — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 12:16:33 +0000

“You are so funny..you should do stand-up comedy”. That is what my old partner, Dave, and I heard all the time. It was 2000, and we were “holding court” in The Brown Derby (or maybe it was GeeWillikers….or possibly the Mouse Trap) in Connecticut (or it could have even been over a weekend in Philadelphia…I don’t remember…I have drank since then). Dave was convinced that what we were able to do in front of that small, inebriated crowd could easily put on the big stage with the exact same results. The problem was, most of these were “inside jokes”. Of course the group in front of us got it all…but would a room of 200 people who didn’t know us “get it”.

With that being said, I am dedicating this column to the “inside joke”. What follows is a bunch of one-liners that only certain people will get….and will guarantee to bring a smile and great memories. What’s even better, is that for the people who don’t “get it” will instead be wondering “what the hell was going on when THAT was said”. Well, just let your imagination run wild.

- “Hey you sum-bitch…tell Isis to bring us another round of tequila”

- “MEEP”

- “It’s all about Dave”

- “Then I shot the fucker”

- “Guess which one can’t spell YMCA”?

- “Technically, I really do have ‘Lance in my Pants”

- “I’m not feeling too good…..I had a meeting with ‘The Glenns’ last night”

- ”I can GUARANTEE this sentence has never been said before…..It’s all about Mickey Dolenz and my cock”

- “Chow Yun Fat?……..he never made a bad movie”

- “It’s Flaming Friday”

- “Time for the Brian and Brian Motown Review”

- “Start a Love Train…….Love Train”

- “You want to go out with a lesbian who has a crack habit and a psycho ex-girlfriend….what could possibly go wrong there”?

- “Fuck soccer…we’re watching Scrubs”

- “Who’s tie?……….Mai Tai!”

- “Let’s go over there and take their beer….What?…Sure, I would love to do a keg stand”

Now comes the fun part. Let’s see who responds with a comment about their particular “inside joke”. I am looking forward to seeing what you remember.

Oh, and if you didn’t get mentioned this time, no worries…I am sure we will do this again. Feel free to email me some of your memories, and we will see what gets posted next time.

Till next time…..drinks are on me,

Random Rants for February 2009

cerebralpunishment — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 15:17:41 +0000

Hello again, my semi-loyal Lee-Tards. Time for another round of Random Rants.

- After my Valentines’ Rant, people wanted to know what I actually did for the VD weekend. Well, I spent the weekend watching tons of horror movies….”My Bloody Valentine 3D”, the new “Friday the 13th”, and about 6 cheesy horror movies from Blockbuster. Cause when it comes down to it, nothing says “Romance” like a high body count.

- Who’s Out – Seth Rogen. Who’s In – Danny McBride.

- Another year…..another baseball season….another Yankee caught cheating. Go figure.

- I mean, really, how is Seth Rogen still getting parts in movies? He plays the same role in EVERY one.

- I recently watched a movie called “Zombie Strippers” starring Jenna Jameson and Robert Englund. This movie had everything I could possibly love in a movie….zombies AND strippers. They should have just called this movie “To Brian….You’re Welcome”.

- Honestly Seth, aren’t Canadians supposed to be funny? What happened to you?

- One word, people…………..SHAM-WOW! Say it while doing “jazz hands”…it’s even more fun that way.

- Come on, Kevin Smith couldn’t even make Seth Rogen funny…and Kevin is a comic GENIUS!

- I had a very bad day yesterday. I REALLY missed my ex-girlfriend. Then I got to thinking…if I didn’t drink as much, I would have a much steadier aim.

- Hey Seth Rogen, you know how I know you’re gay? Cause that bit is the ONLY funny thing you have ever done. Oh, and cause you are Seth Fuckin’ Rogen.

- And finally, Al Sharpton, please SHUT THE FUCK UP!

That’s it for now…..oh, and Seth Rogen sucks.

Till next time….drinks are on me,