More dates? More Relationships? More Bullshit!

Posted in Uncategorized on February 13, 2015 by cerebralpunishment

So, here we are…another Valentine’s Day.  At this point, you are either deeply in love, desperately single, bought and paid for, or just enjoying life.  If you fall into the “single” category, you might be considering an “alternative” way of meeting that significant other…online dating.

Now, if you believe the hype in the t.v. commercials, this is a 100%, sure fire way to meet the love of your life.  Speaking from experience, this is absolute bullshit.  They will try to convince you that by answering a bunch of questions about yourself, listing your likes and dislikes, what you can and cannot live without, and describing your “perfect match” will have them flocking to your door.  Well, as a veteran of the online dating wars, I am here to give you the battle plan on how to be successful in the war on terror…er, I mean, dating.  Here are some things to look (and look out for) on online dating sites.  (As a disclaimer, and to be honest, this is going to help out the guys more than the ladies…sorry, girls).

Let’s start with “what I am looking for”.  First off ladies, coming out of the box saying “I am ready to settle down”, “long term commitment” or “ready for marriage” is NOT the way to find Mr. Right.  Remember, we are scared of commitment, so that is the worse way to step into a relationship.  You are not going to say that to someone you would meet in a bar or some other in person encounter, why do it here? Slow it down, already….let’s get to know each other first.  Plus, I am looking at the pictures of you in your push up bra and miniskirt at the bar with seventeen empty shot glasses in front of you…..I  can tell you are ready to settle down. Which leads to…..

Don’t say “I don’t want a fling or one night stand”.  As soon as you take the potential for sex off the table, we lose interest.  We have to know that there is at least a chance it’s going to happen.  Romance?  It can happen….just quit asking for it…just like you want us to quit asking for sex.  Just like sex is earned, romance is earned.  If I like you, the romance should be automatic.  However, remember ladies, romance means different things to different people.

“Must love kids”.  Sorry, I don’t have to.  Next.

Some dating websites make you list “things you can’t do without”.  Here is a list of some of the things people say they can’t do without along with what it REALLY means.

car/phone/money – superficial (duh)

wine – functional alcoholic

Chapstick – blowjobs.

Yoga/gym/running shoes – your ass says otherwise.

passport – potentially hiding from the law.

My kids – what did you do the other XX years of your life you didn’t have seemed to do just fine.

And finally, don’t ever let a woman tell you she is looking for a man “with a sense of humor”.  I am a comic, they should be knocking down my door.  Instead, I all I hear is “your sexist”.  WTF!?  Be honest with yourselves.  What you really mean is “I want a 6’4″, rich, underwear model who tells knock knock jokes”.

Well, I hope this helps.  Best of luck in your searches.  If you can’t be lucky in love…I hope you all just get lucky!

Till next time…drinks are on me,






2012 Half-Year in Review…..meh!

Posted in Uncategorized on July 19, 2012 by cerebralpunishment

Well, we are well into July, so if you are following along at home, that means the year is half way over.  I have decided to do a little re-cap of the year so far.  Basically, these are things the talking heads in the media feel are important, but I give less than a fuck about.  Where to start?

– Whitney Houston dies:  Hmm…a drug addict pop singer involved in a destructive marriage?  Stevie Wonder saw that one coming!

– The Hunger Games:  Yea!  More movies for twinks!  Sci-Fi “Twilight”!  Didn’t see it…was busy doing adult things.

– Trayvon Martin/George Zimmerman:  Wanna be gang banger shot by wanna be cop.  I’ll wait for the “Lifetime” made for TV movie.

– GLEE/Rock of Ages/Katy Perry:  PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!

– Miami Heat win the NBA championship:  The New York Yankees of basketball.  Congratulations on a well bought title in a strike shortened season.

– Jack Osborne has Multiple Sclerosis:  So do 2.5 Million other people.  Maybe you mother can annoy the MS out of your body.  Fuck you, you are still not special.

I am sure there is plenty more stuff that I missed, but these are the things that jumped out at me.  I will try this again in another 6 months.  Let’s see what pisses me off then.

Till next time…drinks are on me,


Let’s Just Kiss…and Say Goodbye.

Posted in Uncategorized on November 9, 2011 by cerebralpunishment

Dear Maryland,

We all knew this time would come, but I think I finally need to come out and tell you:  I am leaving you.  See, I met someone else.  Her name is Monterey California.  She is beautiful, smart, friendly, sexy, adventurous, a little naughty, and a great cook….you know, all the things you are not.  I wish I could say that meeting her is the only reason I am leaving you, but there are so many more, and I need to get them off my chest.

First of all, I don’t like the way you drive.  You are possibly the worst driver I have ever seen..and I have lived in Europe.  You drive slow in the passing lane, pass on the right, run red lights, and sit at green lights.  No matter what you think, you are not so important that you can illegally park in every fire lane in town.  And the sad thing is, no matter how often you do it, the “boys in blue” never do anything about it.

I don’t like the fact that you can’t decide if you are “city” or “country” or “coastal” or “ghetto” or what.  Just who are you?

I don’t like the fact that you cheer for the Ravens and the Capitals.  I have tried to educate you on the error of your ways when it comes to sports, but you will never understand.  You will never know the greatness that is the City of Champions.

I don’t like the fact that you think the Olive Garden is “fine dining”.

I don’t like your friends.  Oh, some of your friends are fine…the Money Chicks, the OBP’s…ok, that’s about it.  But how you could hang out with people like Bicycle Boy, Frankenstein, Lackey #1, the Kool-Aid Kid, and the Mavericks is beyond me.

I do have to admit, however, that she does drive just like you…however, she does it in a BMW instead of a be-stickered Mustang or a Rolling Tomb Stone.

There is so much more, but I guess I have said enough.  It was never meant to be.  You might find another like me, but I highly doubt you will EVER get that lucky.  I guess all I can do is wish you the best of luck.  Let’s just kiss, and say goodbye.

Till next time…drinks are on me,


Random Rants for June 2011

Posted in Uncategorized on June 27, 2011 by cerebralpunishment

And now, for some LONG overdue Random Rants.

– Does anyone else think it’s disturbing how vehemently Geraldo Rivera is defending Casey Anthony? It’s just too creepy. I literally need a shower after watching him talk about her.

– War is not the answer…unless the question is “What is the name of a very easy card game”.

– Sign of the Apocalypse?: 7-foot white man wins NBA finals Most Valuable Player award.

– Quick note to the people of Southern Maryland: Just because the lights are low and a movie is playing in front of you, it doesn’t mean we are in YOUR FUCKING LIVING ROOM! Act like you have been in public before!

– The more I think about it, War just might be the answer.

– Do any of my readers know what “vehemently” means?

– A Troop draw-down in Afghanistan is a great idea….if you are planning on running for re-election, that is. Just sayin’.

– Sign of the Apocalypse? As of this writing, the Pittsburgh Pirates are over .500 and only 3 games out of first place.

As always, I would love to hear what you think. Feel free to comment below.

Till next time…drinks are on me,


2010 Christmas Wish List

Posted in Uncategorized on December 21, 2010 by cerebralpunishment

Hello again, everyone. Over the past couple of years, I have given my Christmas wish list to Santa in hoping that he would come through for me. He came through on some (See ya, Nancy Pelosi!), he reneged on others (like that deal between the Devil and the New England Patriots!), and flat out blew me off on some (still waiting on Jon Stewart’s “redistribution of wealth”). Ok, I know it’s a little late, but since I have been a VERY good boy this year, I am here to submit my 2010 Christmas wish list:

– Since I can’t beat it, I might as well join it. I want my own Reality TV show. I just need to figure out what the “hook” will be.

– For all people that have children, I want them to have kids like my good friends Mike and Missy. Whatever you are doing to make those kids so well-behaved, you should bottle it and sell it! I know a TON of potential customers!

– How about that 3-way with me, Milla Jovovich, and that waitress from The Cracker Barrel? Can we make that happen, already?

– An “audience” that doesn’t think they are watching my stage show in their living room. (Unless, I can get that Reality TV show that I previously asked for).

– A Famine of Biblical proportions for everyone who owns property on “Farmville”.

– And finally, another Stanley Cup for the Pittsburgh Penguins. (I shouldn’t have to ask for this…we all KNOW it’s going to happen…Suck on that, Capital fans!)

So, that’s my wish list. Let me know what you think and feel free to add to it. Can’t wait to hear from you. Merry Christmas, everybody.

Till next time….drinks are on me,


F U ESPN!!!! (Part II)

Posted in Uncategorized on November 10, 2010 by cerebralpunishment

Just when I thought I had my anger management issues under control, ESPN does it to me again. It’s been a while since I ranted about this “sports channel”, but after the past few months of stewing, I can’t hold it back. Where to start?

The Summer That Wasn’t (or ESPN covers The World Cup): Yep, here’s that soccer event that happens every 4 years. (I WILL NOT call it “Football” like the Europeans do. We won the war, we can call it whatever we want) I found out why they only hold it every 4 years. It’s because 90% of the countries that participate in it need those 4 years to scrounge up enough money to be able to fly to whatever God-forsaken country that is holding said event. If you really need a reason to watch it, simply watch it for the riots that occur between the fans of the countries that REALLY hate each other.

ESPN still hates hockey: Explain this to me. Someone tell me why ESPN needs four men to discuss the NBA finals, but only one man to talk about the NHL Playoffs. Really? It takes four men to tell me that Kobe Bryant and LeBron James don’t know how to PASS? I would pay to see Matthew Barnaby walk off the hockey set, walk over to the NBA set, and show all 4 of these idiots what a “hard foul” really feels like.

Déjà vu: Brett Favre, LeBron James, Dallas Cowboys, Yankees, Brett Favre, LeBron James, Dallas Cowboys, Brett Favre, Yankees, LeBron James, Cowboys, Brett Yankees, LeBron Cowboys, Yankee Favre, oh..and Big Ben didn’t rape some skank in Georgia!

A Douche Bag by Any Other Name: Do you know what Colin Cowherd, Mike Greenberg, Bill Plashcke, Michael Wilbon, Tony Kornheiser, and Jim Rome have in common? None of them have ever played sports a day in their life, yet ESPN feels the need to pay them and give them air time.

So, there you have it. Be on the look out for Part III…I am sure these assholes will find yet ANOTHER way to piss me off before the year is over.

Till next time….drinks are on me,


An Open Letter to Maryland Drivers.

Posted in Uncategorized on September 15, 2010 by cerebralpunishment

Starting October 1st, Maryland state law will prohibit motorist from talking on a cell phone while operating a motor vehicle. Now, while this is a GREAT idea, it still doesn’t solve the myriad of problems that Maryland “drivers” actually cause. To wit, my complaints:

– When driving on a 4-lane road, the right lane is for “traveling” and the left lane is for “passing”. It’s a simple rule that is taught on day 3 of Drivers’ Ed. Apparently, this is too much for your average Marylander to handle.

– Can someone tell me why it takes so fucking long for people in Maryland to make a right hand turn? Really?

– What is up with the “Rolling Tombstones”? What happened to the good old days of sports or political bumper stickers? Those were fun. Instead, I am stuck looking at “In Memory Of…” on every other car. And of course, if you try to read the fine print on these things, you will probably cause an accident…..then someone will have an “In Memory of…. YOU” sticker on their car!

– Wow, you’re in the military? I would never have known unless I saw all those stickers on your car…and the license plate…and the license plate frame. How much is the Navy paying you for all that advertising?

– “Fat” is not a handicap. Just because you can’t put down the Twinkies and Mountain Dew you think you have the right to park in handicap parking spaces. You don’t. I have an idea. Why don’t you park at the far end of the lot, and WALK? That might help cure your “handicap”.

– I always thought a solid yellow line painted on a sidewalk meant “no parking” or “emergency vehicles only”. However, in Southern Maryland, it means “Welfare Recipient Parking”. That makes sense. I mean, we can’t expect you to park 30 feet away when you are stopping to spend my tax dollars on your 12-packs of Stroh’s and lottery tickets now, can we?

– A recently conducted scientific study has provided the following results: In Southern Maryland, the ratio of Ford Mustangs to Homosexual Males is roughly 1:1. The study went on to report that these same people also think the movie “Top Gun” is a documentary.

I am sure I missed some people here, so I am asking all you non-Maryland motorists to let me know what you see the next time you lose a bet and have to drive through Maryland.

Till next time…drinks are on me,