Archive for July, 2008

The Lee-Tarded World of Sports.

Posted in Uncategorized on July 28, 2008 by cerebralpunishment
Let’s go to Brian Lee at the Lee-tarded sports desk(aka, bar) and see what’s happening in the world of sports.

– Rumor has it that Home Run King Barry Bonds may be signing with the New York Yankees.  This makes perfect sense for Major League Baseball.  Let’s keep all the liars, cheaters, steroid abusers, and adulterers on ONE team.  We can keep a better eye on them if they were all together and not spread out around the country.  On a side note, Yankee pin stripes do kind of resemble prison pin stripes.

– I wonder what that Bret Favre fellow is up to now that he retired.  I know, let’s turn on EVERY channel and find out!  Favre, for the love of God, shut the fuck up and go away!  This guy flip-flops more than John Kerry.  Personally, I hope he does get back into the league…….just so some 300 pound defensive tackle can smash the annoying country bumpkin right in the face and send him into retirement properly.

– Anyone catch the Arena Football League championship?  Me neither.  I hear, though, that Philadelphia FINALLY found a sport they can win at…. it just happens to be a sport that is one step below lacrosse and two steps above competitive chess.

– Want a reason to watch women’s golf?  I will give you three.  Natalie Gulbis, Cristie Kerr and Carin Koch.  I can’t care about their swings (or which way they swing, for that matter), but they are real easy on the eyes.  Female tennis players look out, you now have competition.

– This just in, Julio Castillo was released from jail on $30,000 bond after he assaulted a fan in a minor league game last week.  During a bench clearing brawl, Castillo threw a ball into the opposing team’s dugout.  The ball instead went into the bleachers and struck a fan.  Upon his release from jail, Castillo was immediately offered a contract with the New York Yankees. (That’s known as a “call back” joke, people)

– And finally, Major League Baseball is starting a new program in some of their ball parks.  They are now advertising “Peanut Free” sections.  How can they do this?  They mention peanuts in “Take me out to the ball game” for Christs’ sake. What’s next, they gonna take beer out of the stadiums as well?  The Pittsburgh Pirates have decided to take this initiative one step further.  They are starting a “Talent Free” area for fans to sit.  They are going to call it “PNC Park”.

Enjoy the game, folks.
Till next time……drinks are on me,

BL

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Random Rants for July 2008

Posted in Uncategorized on July 9, 2008 by cerebralpunishment

Hello again, everyone.  Looks like most of you survived my last Rant (with the exception of one person), so it’s time for another round of Random Rants.

-It was recently brought to my attention that I pick on Philadelphia way too much.  As a matter of fact, I was told by some of my Philly friends that I need to apologize.  So here goes……I am sorry……that you have to live in Philadelphia.  There…better now?

– Excerpt from a recently overheard conversation:

Devil:  Alright, here’s the deal.  If I let you win this ONE tournament, you take the rest of the year off…and, being that I already own YOUR soul, I get the soul of your first born.

Tiger Woods:  Where do I sign?

– And speaking of the Devil, congratulations to the Pittsburgh Penguins for signing a contract with Satan.  It’s true.  I guess they decided if you can’t beat ’em (Patriots, Tiger, Red Wings, etc), might as well join ’em.  What was that?  Oh, it’s just some guy named Satan…not the real Satan.  I guess that explains why it was only a one year contract.

– The only difference between Mexico and Maryland is that it doesn’t rain this much in Mexico……and the service is better in Mexico.

– Fuck Wal-Mart.

– I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

– I thought I might have been a little rough on ESPN a couple of Rants ago, so I decided to give them another chance.  I turned it on one night and I must say I was shocked and pleasantly surprised.  They were covering the closing ceremonies of the Special Olympics.  There was a bunch of guys running around hugging everyone, with their hats all crooked, and they were having trouble speaking correctly….kinda just yelling and spouting gibberish.  That’s when I realized I was watching the post game celebration of the NBA finals.  Eerily similar.

Thanks for checking in.  As always, I look forward to your comments….just don’t be afraid to put your name on it.  What’s the worse that can happen?

Till next time…..drinks are on me,

BL