When I was your age…..

For those of you who don’t know it, I will be turning 38 this week.  Yeah, yeah…with these boyish good looks, I find it hard to believe myself.  Right now, I should just be sitting back and enjoying life.  But due to the superficial views of society, I don’t have that luxury.  Every where you turn, you see ads for “low carb food”, “Bow Flex”, that goddamn Jared asshole, and Chuck mother-fuckin Norris.  There I am, trying to watch t.v., and there are the ads FORCING me to get in shape (i.e. if I don’t get in shape…I ain’t getting laid).

Now I like to keep my pharmaceuticals legal, (and I DON’T want to lose the size of my penis), so I will not indulge in HGH, steroids, or any of that other stuff.  And since I LOVE booze and fast food, my only option is to join a gym…or “guy-m” as my good friend Graham calls it (“Hey, say it like you spell it, mate”) to meet “society’s norms”.

That’s right. Everyday, I go to the gym and run about 5 miles.  Overall, it’s not that bad.  I have found that I rather enjoy the work out.  However (of course there is a “however”), there are some major problems with going to this sweat factory.

– How about that guy who spends just a little too long in the locker room.  First off, he is between 3 and 4 hundred pounds…so you are already wondering why he is there to begin with.  You go to the locker room after working out..and there he is on the bench.  You hit the sauna for a half hour… come out…and there he is.  Hit the shower…come out to get dressed…and there he is.  He hasn’t moved a bit….well, maybe his hand may have…but you really don’t want to think about that.

– Then there is that asshole who thinks a work-out is coming into the weight room, doing one set of “girl curls”, then spends the next hour just looking at himself in the mirror.  Somehow, I think this guy is a relative of that guy who sits in the locker room….he just enjoys watching OTHER guys sweat..if you know what I mean.

– Oh, how about this person…..the 110 year-old who thinks that doing 10 minutes on the stationary bike is going to prolong his life.  God bless you for trying….but come on…you are doing nothing more than pedaling faster to the funeral home.  Really, go hang out at McDonalds with the rest of the old farts and leave the equipment to the people who can really use them.

– Then there’s “change the TV guy”.  This jerk-off feels the need to change the channel from sports to CNN while he is power walking.  Who the fuck works out to that shit?  Oh, nevermind….that rant is for another time.

– And women, I am not going to forget you.  How about the lady on the treadmill who works out while READING A BOOK!  Look, if you have the concentration to scan the latest issue of “People” while on the cross-trainer, then you are obviously wasting precious gym resources.  Instead of worrying about what Brad and Angelina are doing this week, why don’t you worry about NOT giving stretch pants the option?

If you go to the gym, I am sure you know people just like this.  It is now your duty to point these people out and let them know just how annoying they are.  If you do see me at the gym, make sure you say hello….then we can go have a smoke and a drink and talk about the other idiots working out.  Sounds like a much better option.

Till next time…drinks are on me,



4 Responses to “When I was your age…..”

  1. Since you opened this can of worms I’d like to add a few gym pet peeves of my own.

    #1 Please remove the 300 lbs worth of plates from the squat, bench press, leg press etc machine that you just used. Really, we all see how strong you are and how much weight you just lifted. I don’t want to have to remove 250 lbs worth of plates before I can use the machine. Just like in nursery school, if you are done playing with a toy put it back.

    #2 To the women who come the gym with a full compliment of makeup. Puh-leese it is so obvious that you are on a man hunt. No woman who plans on sweating would get on the elliptical with their makeup perfected. Don’t give me the “I just came from work” line of BS. Wash it off…seriously…do you want a face full of clogged pores?

    #3 The person (usually a woman) on a cell phone while on a piece of cardio equipment. She a close relative of the make up artist on the eliptical (possibly one in the same). Can’t the conversation with your friend Buffy about how “he said he was going to call but didn’t” wait until you are done? No one cares, oh and honey we all know why he didn’t call…you are a whore.

    #4 This is more of a comment than a pet peeve, but the one woman who inevitably farts in my yoga class. You can’t tell me you don’t know that enormous check flapping fart is about to fly out of your ass. I find it absolutely hysterical but I don’t go to yoga to laugh (or try to respectfully control my laughter). I go to yoga to relax. If I wanted to laugh, I’d watch some Brian Lee stand up.

    Whew that felt better…thanks for the topic, great rant as always.


  2. Touche! AMEN and can I get a Hallelujah!? Gym rats SUCK! The sad
    truth is that I, too, am becoming one of them. What I really hate is
    breathing all those sweat fumes from “the guy in the locker room, the
    old fart, the useless People reader, and the Narcissist”….YUCK!!!
    Let’s go have a beer and a smoke and talk about it!! =0)

    –Matt M. in the UK

  3. Anonymous Says:

    Between you and Angela – Hallelujah!

  4. And another thing about these Jims. You aren’t allowed to smoke there. Another piece of freedom taken from us.
    –Graham still in the UK

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