Halloween Comes to Southern Maryland!

Wow, I can’t believe it.  I finally found something Halloween-related down here in God-forsaken St. Marys’ County.  See, this place is notorious for doing absolutely nothing for the Halloween season, so anything they do is a pretty big deal.  With that being said, I have to tell you about the “Haunted House” they finally opened right in the middle of California, MD. 

For starters, the name of the place is pretty scary.  It’s called “Wal-Mart…The Land of the Great Unwashed”.  Man, was this place scary.  I don’t want to give it all away (in case you are ever forced to come down here), but I will tell you some of the things they have in there.

They start off by scaring you as soon as you walk in front door.  You will be greeted by either a zombie(old person), a crypt keeper(older old person), or a midget who “welcomes” you in.  Do your best not to turn and run….keep your wits about you…it gets even scarier.  Once your inside, you will see many other “Wal-Monsters”.  You will recognize them by their evil blue vests.  And don’t trust them.  They say they are there to “help you”..but you will find out real fast…that defiantly isn’t true.

From there, there a many directions you could go.  For instance, you could end up in “The Hallway of Screaming Bastard Children” (also know as the Toy Department) where the noise (and the parenting skills) is so bad, you will want to rip off your own genitals to ensure you never have to experience terror like that again.  Or, you could find your way over to the “E-coli and Salmonella Room”, where high school kids who don’t wash there hands chop up meat at the deli or stock the fruits and vegetables.

How about some of the creepy characters you will see inside?  For instance, you can see “Lurking Man”.  You know this guy.  You will either see him spending too much time outside of the women’s dressing room or inside the men’s restroom.  Or you can meet his evil cousin, “Stands Way Too Close To You At The Checkout Man”.  Will he take your wallet?  Will he follow you to your car?  No one knows.  Then, there is one of the scariest monsters of them all….”Bottomless Purse Lady”.  She is the one who clogs up the express lane with 3 items while she digs into her purse for HOURS finding that coupon and her (GASP!!!) CHECKBOOK!!!!  There is nothing scarier than a bitch..I mean, a witch that pays for 3 items with a check.  

You also have to be on the lookout for some of the creatures that hide in the “Aisles of Doom”.  My personal favorite is “400 Pound Lady on the Electric Scooter”.  If you are lucky, you will hear her coming….but more often than not, you will turn a corner….and BAM…you are done for.

I think it will probably take me a while to recover from this experience.  I hope whatever you do for Halloween, it is as scary as the time I had.  Get back to me and let me know what you did.

Till next time….drinks are on me,

BL

Random Rants and Scary Thoughts for October 2008

Hello again everyone.  Time for another round of Random Rants before I start my Halloween vacation.  Let’s see if this time of year really brings out the evil in me.

– Coming this Halloween, the first horror movie ever filmed in southern Maryland.  It’s going to be called “Night of the Living In-Bred”.

– My girlfriend recently went to see a psychic.  The psychic told my girlfriend I was cheating on her..so she broke up with me.  That’s the last time I fuck a psychic.

– Here is a special message from Brian Lee to my good friend Brian:  Don’t worry about her.  She is nothing more than a worthless lying whore with more issues than you want to deal with anyway.

– So far in 2008, it’s Satan – 2, over-payed annoying athletes who sold there soul – 0.  That’s right, Satan is collecting this year…..1 knee at a time. Wait for it…it will come to you.

– Why are parents still giving their kids names like Tyler, Dalton, Peyton, Levi, Drake, Caleb, Brady and Kennon?  Can we get back to manly names?  How about names like Thor, Dracula, Himmler or Ellwood?  Or, just go all out and name your kid Steve Motherfuckin’ McQueen.  Yeah, now we’re talking!

– Why am I wasting my talent giving YOU this shit for free?

– A recent article in Cosmopolitan magazine stated that 90% of women surveyed have faked orgasm during sex.  In a related article, 100% of men surveyed did not give a shit.

-And here is a REAL scary thought for you:  In less than one month, it’s possible that a man with 122 days of job experience could be elected President and Leader of Free World.  You want scary?  Elect him and see what happens next.

Till next time………drinks are on me

BL