Halloween Comes to Southern Maryland!

Wow, I can’t believe it.  I finally found something Halloween-related down here in God-forsaken St. Marys’ County.  See, this place is notorious for doing absolutely nothing for the Halloween season, so anything they do is a pretty big deal.  With that being said, I have to tell you about the “Haunted House” they finally opened right in the middle of California, MD. 

For starters, the name of the place is pretty scary.  It’s called “Wal-Mart…The Land of the Great Unwashed”.  Man, was this place scary.  I don’t want to give it all away (in case you are ever forced to come down here), but I will tell you some of the things they have in there.

They start off by scaring you as soon as you walk in front door.  You will be greeted by either a zombie(old person), a crypt keeper(older old person), or a midget who “welcomes” you in.  Do your best not to turn and run….keep your wits about you…it gets even scarier.  Once your inside, you will see many other “Wal-Monsters”.  You will recognize them by their evil blue vests.  And don’t trust them.  They say they are there to “help you”..but you will find out real fast…that defiantly isn’t true.

From there, there a many directions you could go.  For instance, you could end up in “The Hallway of Screaming Bastard Children” (also know as the Toy Department) where the noise (and the parenting skills) is so bad, you will want to rip off your own genitals to ensure you never have to experience terror like that again.  Or, you could find your way over to the “E-coli and Salmonella Room”, where high school kids who don’t wash there hands chop up meat at the deli or stock the fruits and vegetables.

How about some of the creepy characters you will see inside?  For instance, you can see “Lurking Man”.  You know this guy.  You will either see him spending too much time outside of the women’s dressing room or inside the men’s restroom.  Or you can meet his evil cousin, “Stands Way Too Close To You At The Checkout Man”.  Will he take your wallet?  Will he follow you to your car?  No one knows.  Then, there is one of the scariest monsters of them all….”Bottomless Purse Lady”.  She is the one who clogs up the express lane with 3 items while she digs into her purse for HOURS finding that coupon and her (GASP!!!) CHECKBOOK!!!!  There is nothing scarier than a bitch..I mean, a witch that pays for 3 items with a check.  

You also have to be on the lookout for some of the creatures that hide in the “Aisles of Doom”.  My personal favorite is “400 Pound Lady on the Electric Scooter”.  If you are lucky, you will hear her coming….but more often than not, you will turn a corner….and BAM…you are done for.

I think it will probably take me a while to recover from this experience.  I hope whatever you do for Halloween, it is as scary as the time I had.  Get back to me and let me know what you did.

Till next time….drinks are on me,


2 Responses to “Halloween Comes to Southern Maryland!”

  1. Anonymous Says:

    This is one of your best rants. Anyone that has ever been to a wal-mart can certainly relate. I actually laughed out loud when I read the part about the woman on the scooter! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve turned a corner and there she was! As always, great rant and thanks for the laugh.

    — Angela

  2. Bravo

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