Random Rants for February 2009

Hello again, my semi-loyal Lee-Tards.  Time for another round of Random Rants.

– After my Valentines’ Rant, people wanted to know what I actually did for the VD weekend. Well, I spent the weekend watching tons of horror movies….”My Bloody Valentine 3D”, the new “Friday the 13th”, and about 6 cheesy horror movies from Blockbuster.  Cause when it comes down to it, nothing says “Romance” like a high body count.

– Who’s Out – Seth Rogen. Who’s In – Danny McBride. 

– Another year…..another baseball season….another Yankee caught cheating.  Go figure.

– I mean, really, how is Seth Rogen still getting parts in movies?  He plays the same role in EVERY one. 

– I recently watched a movie called “Zombie Strippers” starring Jenna Jameson and Robert Englund.  This movie had everything I could possibly love in a movie….zombies AND strippers.  They should have just called this movie “To Brian….You’re Welcome”.

– Honestly Seth, aren’t Canadians supposed to be funny?  What happened to you? 

– One word, people…………..SHAM-WOW!  Say it while doing “jazz hands”…it’s even more fun that way.

– Come on, Kevin Smith couldn’t even make Seth Rogen funny…and Kevin is a comic GENIUS!

– I had a very bad day yesterday.  I REALLY missed my ex-girlfriend.  Then I got to thinking…if I didn’t drink as much, I would have a much steadier aim.

– Hey Seth Rogen, you know how I know you’re gay?  Cause that bit is the ONLY funny thing you have ever done.  Oh, and cause you are Seth Fuckin’ Rogen.

– And finally, Al Sharpton, please SHUT THE FUCK UP!

That’s it for now…..oh, and Seth Rogen sucks.

Till next time….drinks are on me,

BL

Oh No…..Not VD!

Around this time last year, I wrote two rants:  One about Valentines’ Day, the other about “Chick Flicks”.  The response I received was pretty amazing.  Seems that some people are actually coming to their senses on these particular issues.  So, for this year, I have decided to take it a step further and do some research on the topics…some real honest-to-goodness field work.  Let’s start with Valentines’ Day…or as I call it….VD!

According to the Random House Dictionary, the definition of “extortion” is “the crime of obtaining money or some other thing of value by the abuse of one’s office or authority”.  The American Heritage Dictionary defines “extortion” as “illegal use of one’s official position or powers to obtain property, funds, or patronage”. Usually, when you hear the word extortion, it is somehow connected to organized crime groups…you know, the mafia, the “family”, the Sopranos.  These people will threaten violence, pain, and suffering if they don’t receive some form of payment for their “protection”.  After reading all that, I started to wonder why this seemed to remind me of VD…and then it hit me.  See if you can follow me on this:

Basically, an organized crime group (women) will use their “official position” (wife, girlfriend, mistress) to obtain property, funds, or some thing of value(diamonds, chocolate, flowers, cruises, etc.).  If these demands are met, than the man will have “protection” (sex, beer, steak, football with the guys).  If these demands are not met, then the infliction of pain and suffering (men will get NO sex, beer, steak, football with the guys) will occur.  Simple math….Valentines’ Day equals Legalized Extortion! 

Men, this is no longer just the simple matter of buying a card and flowers to keep the peace.  By doing this, you are giving in to the criminals of society…you are letting the terrorists win.  It is your duty to stand up to these bullies and let them know you are true, law-abiding citizens, and you WILL NOT give in to their demands.  So, when this VD rolls around, stay strong, be ready, and stand your ground…and remember this, “Steak and a Blow Job Day” is right around the corner….let’s see how they react to that.

Now, for my field research.  For the sake of my semi-loyal Lee-Tards, I punished myself this past weekend by going to watch “He’s Just Not That Into You”.  I knew this would be 129 minutes of my life I would never get back, but I had to find some “good” in it.  What I was able to do, was prove all of my previous theories on chick flicks.  First of all, the very small crowd was 90% female.  They were scattered in small packs throughout the theater.  Including me, I counted 4 men….all on “dates”.  These guys either lost bets or were praying that this sacrifice was going to help them get the little lady to have sex with them that night.  The best part of the night was the couple that walked in behind us.  They were in their late teens.  The girl looked VERY happy to be seeing this movie.  The guy…not so much.  As they were walking in, this guy announced (in one of the greatest sarcastic voices I have ever heard), that this “was going to be the greatest movie EVER”.  The look that girl gave to that guy would have stopped a stampeding bull.  Any chance this guy had of getting laid was lost even before the first preview.

The movie itself was filled with all the normal stereotypes that seem to be prominent in these types of films. 

The entire cast – good looking (no ugly people allowed)…check. 

Super crazy ditzy chick (who in real life would NEVER get a date) meeting the love of her life….check.

Stereotypical non-threatening gay men who give dating advice….check. 

Oh yes, this movie had the “Chick Flick Hat Trick”.

I will not rehash my thoughts on these types of movies.  If you want to know more…scroll back a few pages and read what I wrote a year ago….trust me, it still holds true.  As far as romance and VD are concerned, read my rant on that as well.  That is why I am here…..helping the people out…one made-up holiday at a time.

Till next time….drinks are on me,

BL