Archive for September, 2009

Let There Be Light (Beer)!

Posted in Uncategorized on September 8, 2009 by cerebralpunishment

As a child, my parents (more so my Mother) had big plans from me.  She would drag me to church every Sunday, make me attend vacation bible school in the summer, and got involved with the church’s’ youth group every Sunday night.  The big event, however, was that once a year “show” when the member’s of the youth group got to perform the entire church service.  Guess who always got picked to deliver the “sermon”.  Yep..this guy!  This CONVINCED my mother that I was going to be a Methodist Minister.  I think she finally gave up on the idea one Sunday morning, when instead of slowly drinking the little plastic cup of communion wine (Methodist use grape juice for some reason), I threw it back like a shot of tequila.  Oh the looks I got in church that day!

All these years later, the parallel of what she wanted and where I actually ended up is quite unique.  Technically, I do have a congregation…we just meet on Saturday nights instead of Sunday mornings.  Church’s have a choir…I have a juke box.  And, instead of communion wine, we use Jack Daniels. 

Now that I have had time to think about it, I may have found a way to make her wish come true, yet stay true to myself.  With that being said, you are all cordially invited to join “THE CHURCH OF BRIAN-TOLOGY”!
Membership is free.  You don’t have to donate any money, change your lifestyle, be “nice” to anybody, or get up early on Sunday.  All you have to do is spread the Word!

However, as “Brian-Tologists”, you will have to follow some rules.  I now present to you, the “10 Commandments of Brian-tology”!

1.  Thou Shalt Not Compare Me to Any Other Comic! (“Hey, you remind me of….”)
2.  Thou Shalt Not Heckle!  (If you were funnier than me, you would be on stage and I would be paying to see you)
3.  Thou Shalt Not Tell Me What Jokes To Use! (“You should use this in your act”)
4.  Remember the Happy Hour, and Attend It Often!
5.  Honor Thy Waiter and Thy Waitress…and Tip Generously!
6.  Thou Shalt Not Consume “Fruity Drinks”!
7.  Thou Shalt Not Steal…My Material!
8.  Thou Shalt Not Kill….Unless the A**Hole Steals My Material.
9.  Thou Shalt Not Worship False Comics! (Mencia, Rogen, Carrot Top)
10. Honor the Past (Pryor, Dangerfield), Respect the Present (Fatel, Stanhope, Hooper), Support the Future (Brian Lee)!
Remember these Commandments in the name of The Father (Lenny Bruce), the Son (George Carlin), and the Holy Ghost (Sam Kinison)….Am-stell!

I am sure as time goes on there will be more (not like these are “set in stone” or anything), but we will stop at 10 for now.

If you are ready to accept Brian-tology into your life, leave a comment below.  Let everyone know that you are, indeed, a true BRIAN-TOLOGIST!

Till next time….drinks are on me,

BL

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