Archive for September, 2010

An Open Letter to Maryland Drivers.

Posted in Uncategorized on September 15, 2010 by cerebralpunishment

Starting October 1st, Maryland state law will prohibit motorist from talking on a cell phone while operating a motor vehicle. Now, while this is a GREAT idea, it still doesn’t solve the myriad of problems that Maryland “drivers” actually cause. To wit, my complaints:

– When driving on a 4-lane road, the right lane is for “traveling” and the left lane is for “passing”. It’s a simple rule that is taught on day 3 of Drivers’ Ed. Apparently, this is too much for your average Marylander to handle.

– Can someone tell me why it takes so fucking long for people in Maryland to make a right hand turn? Really?

– What is up with the “Rolling Tombstones”? What happened to the good old days of sports or political bumper stickers? Those were fun. Instead, I am stuck looking at “In Memory Of…” on every other car. And of course, if you try to read the fine print on these things, you will probably cause an accident…..then someone will have an “In Memory of…. YOU” sticker on their car!

– Wow, you’re in the military? I would never have known unless I saw all those stickers on your car…and the license plate…and the license plate frame. How much is the Navy paying you for all that advertising?

– “Fat” is not a handicap. Just because you can’t put down the Twinkies and Mountain Dew you think you have the right to park in handicap parking spaces. You don’t. I have an idea. Why don’t you park at the far end of the lot, and WALK? That might help cure your “handicap”.

– I always thought a solid yellow line painted on a sidewalk meant “no parking” or “emergency vehicles only”. However, in Southern Maryland, it means “Welfare Recipient Parking”. That makes sense. I mean, we can’t expect you to park 30 feet away when you are stopping to spend my tax dollars on your 12-packs of Stroh’s and lottery tickets now, can we?

– A recently conducted scientific study has provided the following results: In Southern Maryland, the ratio of Ford Mustangs to Homosexual Males is roughly 1:1. The study went on to report that these same people also think the movie “Top Gun” is a documentary.

I am sure I missed some people here, so I am asking all you non-Maryland motorists to let me know what you see the next time you lose a bet and have to drive through Maryland.

Till next time…drinks are on me,