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And now the rest of the story…

Posted in Uncategorized on October 23, 2017 by cerebralpunishment

Before I get in to anything too deep, I want to take a second to thank everyone taking the time to read this.  You took the time to notice my original post on FB, and now you are taking time out of your busy day to find out the “why’s”.  So, as the cool kids say, here’s the “haps”.

I have decided to step away from comedy for three reasons.  I will lead with the least important of the three, but I am going to start the explanation with a story. When I started doing stand-up 17 years ago, this was never really something I aspired to do.  I was talked into it, hit a lucky break, and actually started to enjoy it.   For a while, I was working for free as an MC at the Comedy Zone in St. Clairsville, Ohio.  I got to work with a ton of great road comics…all of which gave me awesome advice.  One particular comic said to me “if you can do this and keep your day job, do it.  Once this becomes “work”, and isn’t fun, it’s time to go”.  And he did…. he retired because other things were more important.

The bottom line is, I have grown to dislike the business.  It’s not fun, it’s not glamourous, and the “work” outweighs the “rewards”.   What passes for comedy today is nothing more than hate-filled, unoriginal, “progressive” drivel.  As a straight, white, conservative, male comic, it’s hard to find someone I even want to work with…. or work with me, for that matter.  Which leads to reason number two I am retiring…comics!

See, most comics are very self-serving, self-important assholes (I know, I used to be one).  They will be there if you want to offer them a gig…. but damnned if they ever return the favor.  I am still waiting on ANY of the people I paid to perform a show with me to offer me a PAYING gig in return.  Oh…sorry if I don’t want to give away my jokes for free at your Open Mic!!!  I busted my ass for 17 years in this business and paid my dues. I think I earned my compensation.   But what really sealed the deal was when I announced on FB that I was retiring for personal reasons.  Only one of my comedian friends took the time to call me to see if I was ok.  No other comics tried to talk me out of it, and none of them reached out to me to see if I was ok.  Seriously?!  “I don’t have time to message Brian… I got to work on that new Trump joke for the Open Mic on Thursday”. 

Quick side note…a special Fuck You to the “promoter/comedians” who contacted me for bookings then never got back to me.  In the past few months, I had two of these pricks ask me to send them my promotional material, so they could book me for shows.  I haven’t heard from either one.  They solicited me!!!!  Show some fucking professionalism!  Well, It’s good to know they now have access to my material.  So, if anyone is interested, I will gladly give you their names.  I want to make sure that if they are using my material, none of my fan base accidentally gives them any money!  Oh…and stand-up comedy “schools” are bullshit!…just sayin’.

The last reason is a little more important than my personal feelings about the business.  If you truly know me, you know I have been dealing with various health issues since I retired from my “day job”.  When I first started doing stand-up, I went out of my way to make sure my two careers didn’t cross paths.  Once I retired, I planned on focusing strictly on my comedy.  However, I started to notice that every time I geared up to do a big show, it would make the leftover health problems from my previous career worse.  Bottom line, for my physical and mental health, it’s time to be done.  It’s telling fucking jokes…it shouldn’t be stressful!   

As I said, I will still do the occasional fund raiser for the right organization.  If you have a veteran’s group that would like to raise money, I would be glad to help (however, I am still not at the independently wealthy stage where I can work for free, lol). 

So, there’s the rest of the story.  The comments you left on FB when I originally announced my retirement meant more than you know.  Maybe I will change my mind in the future, but for right now, I am stepping back.  I promise I will get off my ass and start updating my website again, so at least if I am not performing, I will keep writing.   With that, please feel free to drop me a line, or leave a compliment (or criticism).  Oh, and I do ask one favor…. if you did read this, leave a comment on the FB page…the self-important comedian in me still likes to know people are listening!!!!!

Till next time…drinks are on me!



More dates? More Relationships? More Bullshit!

Posted in Uncategorized on February 13, 2015 by cerebralpunishment

So, here we are…another Valentine’s Day.  At this point, you are either deeply in love, desperately single, bought and paid for, or just enjoying life.  If you fall into the “single” category, you might be considering an “alternative” way of meeting that significant other…online dating.

Now, if you believe the hype in the t.v. commercials, this is a 100%, sure fire way to meet the love of your life.  Speaking from experience, this is absolute bullshit.  They will try to convince you that by answering a bunch of questions about yourself, listing your likes and dislikes, what you can and cannot live without, and describing your “perfect match” will have them flocking to your door.  Well, as a veteran of the online dating wars, I am here to give you the battle plan on how to be successful in the war on terror…er, I mean, dating.  Here are some things to look (and look out for) on online dating sites.  (As a disclaimer, and to be honest, this is going to help out the guys more than the ladies…sorry, girls).

Let’s start with “what I am looking for”.  First off ladies, coming out of the box saying “I am ready to settle down”, “long term commitment” or “ready for marriage” is NOT the way to find Mr. Right.  Remember, we are scared of commitment, so that is the worse way to step into a relationship.  You are not going to say that to someone you would meet in a bar or some other in person encounter, why do it here? Slow it down, already….let’s get to know each other first.  Plus, I am looking at the pictures of you in your push up bra and miniskirt at the bar with seventeen empty shot glasses in front of you…..I  can tell you are ready to settle down. Which leads to…..

Don’t say “I don’t want a fling or one night stand”.  As soon as you take the potential for sex off the table, we lose interest.  We have to know that there is at least a chance it’s going to happen.  Romance?  It can happen….just quit asking for it…just like you want us to quit asking for sex.  Just like sex is earned, romance is earned.  If I like you, the romance should be automatic.  However, remember ladies, romance means different things to different people.

“Must love kids”.  Sorry, I don’t have to.  Next.

Some dating websites make you list “things you can’t do without”.  Here is a list of some of the things people say they can’t do without along with what it REALLY means.

car/phone/money – superficial (duh)

wine – functional alcoholic

Chapstick – blowjobs.

Yoga/gym/running shoes – your ass says otherwise.

passport – potentially hiding from the law.

My kids – what did you do the other XX years of your life you didn’t have seemed to do just fine.

And finally, don’t ever let a woman tell you she is looking for a man “with a sense of humor”.  I am a comic, they should be knocking down my door.  Instead, I all I hear is “your sexist”.  WTF!?  Be honest with yourselves.  What you really mean is “I want a 6’4″, rich, underwear model who tells knock knock jokes”.

Well, I hope this helps.  Best of luck in your searches.  If you can’t be lucky in love…I hope you all just get lucky!

Till next time…drinks are on me,





2012 Half-Year in Review…..meh!

Posted in Uncategorized on July 19, 2012 by cerebralpunishment

Well, we are well into July, so if you are following along at home, that means the year is half way over.  I have decided to do a little re-cap of the year so far.  Basically, these are things the talking heads in the media feel are important, but I give less than a fuck about.  Where to start?

– Whitney Houston dies:  Hmm…a drug addict pop singer involved in a destructive marriage?  Stevie Wonder saw that one coming!

– The Hunger Games:  Yea!  More movies for twinks!  Sci-Fi “Twilight”!  Didn’t see it…was busy doing adult things.

– Trayvon Martin/George Zimmerman:  Wanna be gang banger shot by wanna be cop.  I’ll wait for the “Lifetime” made for TV movie.

– GLEE/Rock of Ages/Katy Perry:  PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!

– Miami Heat win the NBA championship:  The New York Yankees of basketball.  Congratulations on a well bought title in a strike shortened season.

– Jack Osborne has Multiple Sclerosis:  So do 2.5 Million other people.  Maybe you mother can annoy the MS out of your body.  Fuck you, you are still not special.

I am sure there is plenty more stuff that I missed, but these are the things that jumped out at me.  I will try this again in another 6 months.  Let’s see what pisses me off then.

Till next time…drinks are on me,


Let’s Just Kiss…and Say Goodbye.

Posted in Uncategorized on November 9, 2011 by cerebralpunishment

Dear Maryland,

We all knew this time would come, but I think I finally need to come out and tell you:  I am leaving you.  See, I met someone else.  Her name is Monterey California.  She is beautiful, smart, friendly, sexy, adventurous, a little naughty, and a great cook….you know, all the things you are not.  I wish I could say that meeting her is the only reason I am leaving you, but there are so many more, and I need to get them off my chest.

First of all, I don’t like the way you drive.  You are possibly the worst driver I have ever seen..and I have lived in Europe.  You drive slow in the passing lane, pass on the right, run red lights, and sit at green lights.  No matter what you think, you are not so important that you can illegally park in every fire lane in town.  And the sad thing is, no matter how often you do it, the “boys in blue” never do anything about it.

I don’t like the fact that you can’t decide if you are “city” or “country” or “coastal” or “ghetto” or what.  Just who are you?

I don’t like the fact that you cheer for the Ravens and the Capitals.  I have tried to educate you on the error of your ways when it comes to sports, but you will never understand.  You will never know the greatness that is the City of Champions.

I don’t like the fact that you think the Olive Garden is “fine dining”.

I don’t like your friends.  Oh, some of your friends are fine…the Money Chicks, the OBP’s…ok, that’s about it.  But how you could hang out with people like Bicycle Boy, Frankenstein, Lackey #1, the Kool-Aid Kid, and the Mavericks is beyond me.

I do have to admit, however, that she does drive just like you…however, she does it in a BMW instead of a be-stickered Mustang or a Rolling Tomb Stone.

There is so much more, but I guess I have said enough.  It was never meant to be.  You might find another like me, but I highly doubt you will EVER get that lucky.  I guess all I can do is wish you the best of luck.  Let’s just kiss, and say goodbye.

Till next time…drinks are on me,


Random Rants for June 2011

Posted in Uncategorized on June 27, 2011 by cerebralpunishment

And now, for some LONG overdue Random Rants.

– Does anyone else think it’s disturbing how vehemently Geraldo Rivera is defending Casey Anthony? It’s just too creepy. I literally need a shower after watching him talk about her.

– War is not the answer…unless the question is “What is the name of a very easy card game”.

– Sign of the Apocalypse?: 7-foot white man wins NBA finals Most Valuable Player award.

– Quick note to the people of Southern Maryland: Just because the lights are low and a movie is playing in front of you, it doesn’t mean we are in YOUR FUCKING LIVING ROOM! Act like you have been in public before!

– The more I think about it, War just might be the answer.

– Do any of my readers know what “vehemently” means?

– A Troop draw-down in Afghanistan is a great idea….if you are planning on running for re-election, that is. Just sayin’.

– Sign of the Apocalypse? As of this writing, the Pittsburgh Pirates are over .500 and only 3 games out of first place.

As always, I would love to hear what you think. Feel free to comment below.

Till next time…drinks are on me,


2010 Christmas Wish List

Posted in Uncategorized on December 21, 2010 by cerebralpunishment

Hello again, everyone. Over the past couple of years, I have given my Christmas wish list to Santa in hoping that he would come through for me. He came through on some (See ya, Nancy Pelosi!), he reneged on others (like that deal between the Devil and the New England Patriots!), and flat out blew me off on some (still waiting on Jon Stewart’s “redistribution of wealth”). Ok, I know it’s a little late, but since I have been a VERY good boy this year, I am here to submit my 2010 Christmas wish list:

– Since I can’t beat it, I might as well join it. I want my own Reality TV show. I just need to figure out what the “hook” will be.

– For all people that have children, I want them to have kids like my good friends Mike and Missy. Whatever you are doing to make those kids so well-behaved, you should bottle it and sell it! I know a TON of potential customers!

– How about that 3-way with me, Milla Jovovich, and that waitress from The Cracker Barrel? Can we make that happen, already?

– An “audience” that doesn’t think they are watching my stage show in their living room. (Unless, I can get that Reality TV show that I previously asked for).

– A Famine of Biblical proportions for everyone who owns property on “Farmville”.

– And finally, another Stanley Cup for the Pittsburgh Penguins. (I shouldn’t have to ask for this…we all KNOW it’s going to happen…Suck on that, Capital fans!)

So, that’s my wish list. Let me know what you think and feel free to add to it. Can’t wait to hear from you. Merry Christmas, everybody.

Till next time….drinks are on me,


F U ESPN!!!! (Part II)

Posted in Uncategorized on November 10, 2010 by cerebralpunishment

Just when I thought I had my anger management issues under control, ESPN does it to me again. It’s been a while since I ranted about this “sports channel”, but after the past few months of stewing, I can’t hold it back. Where to start?

The Summer That Wasn’t (or ESPN covers The World Cup): Yep, here’s that soccer event that happens every 4 years. (I WILL NOT call it “Football” like the Europeans do. We won the war, we can call it whatever we want) I found out why they only hold it every 4 years. It’s because 90% of the countries that participate in it need those 4 years to scrounge up enough money to be able to fly to whatever God-forsaken country that is holding said event. If you really need a reason to watch it, simply watch it for the riots that occur between the fans of the countries that REALLY hate each other.

ESPN still hates hockey: Explain this to me. Someone tell me why ESPN needs four men to discuss the NBA finals, but only one man to talk about the NHL Playoffs. Really? It takes four men to tell me that Kobe Bryant and LeBron James don’t know how to PASS? I would pay to see Matthew Barnaby walk off the hockey set, walk over to the NBA set, and show all 4 of these idiots what a “hard foul” really feels like.

Déjà vu: Brett Favre, LeBron James, Dallas Cowboys, Yankees, Brett Favre, LeBron James, Dallas Cowboys, Brett Favre, Yankees, LeBron James, Cowboys, Brett Yankees, LeBron Cowboys, Yankee Favre, oh..and Big Ben didn’t rape some skank in Georgia!

A Douche Bag by Any Other Name: Do you know what Colin Cowherd, Mike Greenberg, Bill Plashcke, Michael Wilbon, Tony Kornheiser, and Jim Rome have in common? None of them have ever played sports a day in their life, yet ESPN feels the need to pay them and give them air time.

So, there you have it. Be on the look out for Part III…I am sure these assholes will find yet ANOTHER way to piss me off before the year is over.

Till next time….drinks are on me,