Archive for the Uncategorized Category

Let’s Just Kiss…and Say Goodbye.

Posted in Uncategorized on November 9, 2011 by cerebralpunishment

Dear Maryland,

We all knew this time would come, but I think I finally need to come out and tell you:  I am leaving you.  See, I met someone else.  Her name is Monterey California.  She is beautiful, smart, friendly, sexy, adventurous, a little naughty, and a great cook….you know, all the things you are not.  I wish I could say that meeting her is the only reason I am leaving you, but there are so many more, and I need to get them off my chest.

First of all, I don’t like the way you drive.  You are possibly the worst driver I have ever seen..and I have lived in Europe.  You drive slow in the passing lane, pass on the right, run red lights, and sit at green lights.  No matter what you think, you are not so important that you can illegally park in every fire lane in town.  And the sad thing is, no matter how often you do it, the “boys in blue” never do anything about it.

I don’t like the fact that you can’t decide if you are “city” or “country” or “coastal” or “ghetto” or what.  Just who are you?

I don’t like the fact that you cheer for the Ravens and the Capitals.  I have tried to educate you on the error of your ways when it comes to sports, but you will never understand.  You will never know the greatness that is the City of Champions.

I don’t like the fact that you think the Olive Garden is “fine dining”.

I don’t like your friends.  Oh, some of your friends are fine…the Money Chicks, the OBP’s…ok, that’s about it.  But how you could hang out with people like Bicycle Boy, Frankenstein, Lackey #1, the Kool-Aid Kid, and the Mavericks is beyond me.

I do have to admit, however, that she does drive just like you…however, she does it in a BMW instead of a be-stickered Mustang or a Rolling Tomb Stone.

There is so much more, but I guess I have said enough.  It was never meant to be.  You might find another like me, but I highly doubt you will EVER get that lucky.  I guess all I can do is wish you the best of luck.  Let’s just kiss, and say goodbye.

Till next time…drinks are on me,


Random Rants for June 2011

Posted in Uncategorized on June 27, 2011 by cerebralpunishment

And now, for some LONG overdue Random Rants.

– Does anyone else think it’s disturbing how vehemently Geraldo Rivera is defending Casey Anthony? It’s just too creepy. I literally need a shower after watching him talk about her.

– War is not the answer…unless the question is “What is the name of a very easy card game”.

– Sign of the Apocalypse?: 7-foot white man wins NBA finals Most Valuable Player award.

– Quick note to the people of Southern Maryland: Just because the lights are low and a movie is playing in front of you, it doesn’t mean we are in YOUR FUCKING LIVING ROOM! Act like you have been in public before!

– The more I think about it, War just might be the answer.

– Do any of my readers know what “vehemently” means?

– A Troop draw-down in Afghanistan is a great idea….if you are planning on running for re-election, that is. Just sayin’.

– Sign of the Apocalypse? As of this writing, the Pittsburgh Pirates are over .500 and only 3 games out of first place.

As always, I would love to hear what you think. Feel free to comment below.

Till next time…drinks are on me,


2010 Christmas Wish List

Posted in Uncategorized on December 21, 2010 by cerebralpunishment

Hello again, everyone. Over the past couple of years, I have given my Christmas wish list to Santa in hoping that he would come through for me. He came through on some (See ya, Nancy Pelosi!), he reneged on others (like that deal between the Devil and the New England Patriots!), and flat out blew me off on some (still waiting on Jon Stewart’s “redistribution of wealth”). Ok, I know it’s a little late, but since I have been a VERY good boy this year, I am here to submit my 2010 Christmas wish list:

– Since I can’t beat it, I might as well join it. I want my own Reality TV show. I just need to figure out what the “hook” will be.

– For all people that have children, I want them to have kids like my good friends Mike and Missy. Whatever you are doing to make those kids so well-behaved, you should bottle it and sell it! I know a TON of potential customers!

– How about that 3-way with me, Milla Jovovich, and that waitress from The Cracker Barrel? Can we make that happen, already?

– An “audience” that doesn’t think they are watching my stage show in their living room. (Unless, I can get that Reality TV show that I previously asked for).

– A Famine of Biblical proportions for everyone who owns property on “Farmville”.

– And finally, another Stanley Cup for the Pittsburgh Penguins. (I shouldn’t have to ask for this…we all KNOW it’s going to happen…Suck on that, Capital fans!)

So, that’s my wish list. Let me know what you think and feel free to add to it. Can’t wait to hear from you. Merry Christmas, everybody.

Till next time….drinks are on me,