2010 New Year Resolutions (Late Edition)

Posted in Uncategorized on January 26, 2010 by cerebralpunishment

Well, one of my first New Year’s Resolutions was going to be “update my site in a more timely manner”, but as you can see by the date, that one has already gone out the window. I do, however, have a few more that I plan on keeping. So, here’s what Brian is going to do in 2010.

– In keeping up with current technology, all my live shows will now be in 3-D.

– Last year, I made a resolution to bring back the words “Nefarious” and “Skullduggery”. This year, I am making up a new phrase that I want you all to use. For now on, instead of saying “you got screwed/fucked over” you will now say “You got Pine’d”. Anyone who was in Altoona last year knows EXACTLY what this means.

– I am going to embrace “Change” and “Hope”. I will take the “Change” the government has left me after taxes and “Hope” to buy a winning lottery ticket with it.

– I will come to terms with that fact that life is not just one long episode of “Scrubs”. However, I will continue to believe that Dr. Perry Cox, is indeed a Prophet and He will lead us into the Promised Land.

– I will finish establishing the First Church Of Brian-Tology. Remember, membership is just an email away.

– I am going to make people realize that Hockey is the greatest sport in the world. And staying with the world of sports, I will continue my war against ESPN and not rest until Colin Cowherd, Steven A. Smith, Mike Wilbon, Tony Kornheiser, and Mike Greenberg are all unemployed.

– This one might hurt but……I will no longer tolerate people who come up to me and say “you should use this (insert lame story/joke/anecdote here) in your act”. At this point, you will have my undivided attention…and will you most likely not appreciate my response. There are certain people who are exempt from this rule, but they already know who they are. The rest of you, heed above warning.

– I am going to make the United States a better place….as soon as I can figure out how to saw Maryland/Washington D.C. off the continent and float it over to Europe.

So, that’s what I got. Let me know what you think. Happy 2010 to everyone!

Till next time…drinks are on me,

BL

Let There Be Light (Beer)!

Posted in Uncategorized on September 8, 2009 by cerebralpunishment

As a child, my parents (more so my Mother) had big plans from me.  She would drag me to church every Sunday, make me attend vacation bible school in the summer, and got involved with the church’s’ youth group every Sunday night.  The big event, however, was that once a year “show” when the member’s of the youth group got to perform the entire church service.  Guess who always got picked to deliver the “sermon”.  Yep..this guy!  This CONVINCED my mother that I was going to be a Methodist Minister.  I think she finally gave up on the idea one Sunday morning, when instead of slowly drinking the little plastic cup of communion wine (Methodist use grape juice for some reason), I threw it back like a shot of tequila.  Oh the looks I got in church that day!

All these years later, the parallel of what she wanted and where I actually ended up is quite unique.  Technically, I do have a congregation…we just meet on Saturday nights instead of Sunday mornings.  Church’s have a choir…I have a juke box.  And, instead of communion wine, we use Jack Daniels. 

Now that I have had time to think about it, I may have found a way to make her wish come true, yet stay true to myself.  With that being said, you are all cordially invited to join “THE CHURCH OF BRIAN-TOLOGY”!
Membership is free.  You don’t have to donate any money, change your lifestyle, be “nice” to anybody, or get up early on Sunday.  All you have to do is spread the Word!

However, as “Brian-Tologists”, you will have to follow some rules.  I now present to you, the “10 Commandments of Brian-tology”!

1.  Thou Shalt Not Compare Me to Any Other Comic! (“Hey, you remind me of….”)
2.  Thou Shalt Not Heckle!  (If you were funnier than me, you would be on stage and I would be paying to see you)
3.  Thou Shalt Not Tell Me What Jokes To Use! (“You should use this in your act”)
4.  Remember the Happy Hour, and Attend It Often!
5.  Honor Thy Waiter and Thy Waitress…and Tip Generously!
6.  Thou Shalt Not Consume “Fruity Drinks”!
7.  Thou Shalt Not Steal…My Material!
8.  Thou Shalt Not Kill….Unless the A**Hole Steals My Material.
9.  Thou Shalt Not Worship False Comics! (Mencia, Rogen, Carrot Top)
10. Honor the Past (Pryor, Dangerfield), Respect the Present (Fatel, Stanhope, Hooper), Support the Future (Brian Lee)!
Remember these Commandments in the name of The Father (Lenny Bruce), the Son (George Carlin), and the Holy Ghost (Sam Kinison)….Am-stell!

I am sure as time goes on there will be more (not like these are “set in stone” or anything), but we will stop at 10 for now.

If you are ready to accept Brian-tology into your life, leave a comment below.  Let everyone know that you are, indeed, a true BRIAN-TOLOGIST!

Till next time….drinks are on me,

BL

Random Rants for May 2009

Posted in Uncategorized on May 4, 2009 by cerebralpunishment

Time for another long overdue round of Random Rants.  I’ts been a while since I did some rants…so I wrote a little more than usual.  Hope you enjoy!

– Recently I was asked to go see the new Seth Rogen movie.  Against my better judgment, I went…..and I am JUSTIFIED!  In this movie, Rogen proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is indeed an unfunny “one trick pony”.  The highlight of the movie was when the friend who invited me leaned over about 20 minutes in and said “I am SOOO sorry about this”.

– Woo Hoo…another Cinco de Mayo!  Isn’t it ironic that most of the “gringos” who go out and celebrate this are the same people who bitch about the “illegal aliens”?  Most people don’t even know what the “holiday” represents.  For all they know, Cinco de Mayo translates to “Cheap Coronas”.  In actuality, Cino de Mayo commemorates the Mexican army’s unlikely defeat of the French at the Battle of Puebla.  Come on…the French?  If we were to have a celebration for every time the French got beat….we would be drunk EVERYDAY.

– Strange, but I feel like I wrote this before.

– Speaking of politics (was I?)…fuck you Arlen Specter…nice move jumping ship to try and save your job.  But that is not really a bad thing.  See, if the Left get total control of the House AND the Senate….America has no one else to blame when shit gets fucked up.  Mission Accomplished.

– How about this…instead of Cinco de Mayo, why don’t we celebrate something important this month?  How about making the same big deal on…I don’t know..Mother’s Day? 

– Reason to hate Southern Maryland #127:  Movie theaters and movie theater patrons.  It absolutely sucks being a movie junkie here in Southern Maryland.  I cannot believe the shit I see when I go to the movie theater near my house.  Most recently, I got to see two candidates for “Mother of the Year” bring their 1 year old kids to see a rated-R horror movie.  Just because you are too cheap to get a babysitter, I have to listen to your kid WAIL in this enclosed room while I am trying to watch a flick.  Good job in considering every one else who paid $12 to see this flick.  Where are Child Youth Services when you need them?

– I will do you one better.  How about Memorial Day?  Now THAT is a day that needs celebrated…and celebrated properly.  Remeber, it’s more than just a “day off”….remember WHY you have that day off.  Get out, support your Veteran’s, and be glad you live in the GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD!…until the Left fuck it up, that is.

– Strange, but I feel like I wrote this before.

– Barry Melrose picked the Philadelphia Flyers to beat the Pittsburgh Penguins in 6 games in the opening round of the Stanley Cup Playoffs.  Hmmm, guess that didn’t happen.  You know what Barry…if you knew anything about hockey you might still be coaching instead of getting your ass fired after 10 games.  He has gone on to pick the Washington Crap-itals to beat the Pens in 7.  Thanks again…that’s a lock for the Pens to make the finals.  Oh, and Philly fans you are welcome.  I didn’t rub it in like I did last year.  You can put your “thank yous” and congratulations in the comment box below.

– Finally, Jay Mohr.  Normally, I put this guy in same category that I put Nicholas Cage, Seth Rogen, and Robin Williams. However,  today, I gained a little respect for him.  I heard him on a radio show talking about his stand up routine.  All I can say, is “Bravo, Jay”.  Finally, a comedian who will fight the “norm” and say whatever he wants on the stage and not worry about the criticism that may come with it.  Way to beat the stereotype, Mr. Mohr.

That’s it for now.  Looking forward to seeing you all at the show on the 30th.

Till next time…..drinks are on me,

BL

The Art of the Inside Joke.

Posted in Uncategorized on March 14, 2009 by cerebralpunishment
“You are so funny..you should do stand-up comedy”.  That is what my old partner, Dave, and I heard all the time.  It was 2000, and we were “holding court” in The Brown Derby (or maybe it was GeeWillikers….or possibly the Mouse Trap) in Connecticut (or it could have even been over a weekend in Philadelphia…I don’t remember…I have drank since then).  Dave was convinced that what we were able to do in front of that small, inebriated crowd could easily put on the big stage with the exact same results.  The problem was, most of these were “inside jokes”.  Of course the group in front of us got it all…but would a room of 200 people who didn’t know us “get it”.

With that being said, I am dedicating this column to the “inside joke”.   What follows is a bunch of one-liners that only certain people will get….and will guarantee to bring a smile and great memories.  What’s even better, is that for the people who don’t “get it” will instead be wondering “what the hell was going on when THAT was said”.  Well, just let your imagination run wild.

– “Hey you sum-bitch…tell Isis to bring us another round of tequila”

– “MEEP”

– “It’s all about Dave”

– “Then I shot the fucker”

– “Guess which one can’t spell YMCA”?

– “Technically, I really do have ‘Lance in my Pants”

– “I’m not feeling too good…..I had a meeting with ‘The Glenns’ last night”

– “I can GUARANTEE this sentence has never been said before…..It’s all about Mickey Dolenz and my cock”

– “Chow Yun Fat?……..he never made a bad movie”

– “It’s Flaming Friday”

– “Time for the Brian and Brian Motown Review”

– “Start a Love Train…….Love Train”

– “You want to go out with a lesbian who has a crack habit and a psycho ex-girlfriend….what could possibly go wrong there”?

– “Fuck soccer…we’re watching Scrubs”

– “Who’s tie?……….Mai Tai!”

– “Let’s go over there and take their beer….What?…Sure, I would love to do a keg stand”

Now comes the fun part.  Let’s see who responds with a comment about their particular “inside joke”.  I am looking forward to seeing what you remember.

Oh, and if you didn’t get mentioned this time, no worries…I am sure we will do this again.  Feel free to email me some of your memories, and we will see what gets posted next time.

Till next time…..drinks are on me,

BL

Random Rants for February 2009

Posted in Uncategorized on February 25, 2009 by cerebralpunishment
Hello again, my semi-loyal Lee-Tards.  Time for another round of Random Rants.

– After my Valentines’ Rant, people wanted to know what I actually did for the VD weekend. Well, I spent the weekend watching tons of horror movies….”My Bloody Valentine 3D”, the new “Friday the 13th”, and about 6 cheesy horror movies from Blockbuster.  Cause when it comes down to it, nothing says “Romance” like a high body count.

– Who’s Out – Seth Rogen. Who’s In – Danny McBride. 

– Another year…..another baseball season….another Yankee caught cheating.  Go figure.

– I mean, really, how is Seth Rogen still getting parts in movies?  He plays the same role in EVERY one. 

– I recently watched a movie called “Zombie Strippers” starring Jenna Jameson and Robert Englund.  This movie had everything I could possibly love in a movie….zombies AND strippers.  They should have just called this movie “To Brian….You’re Welcome”.

– Honestly Seth, aren’t Canadians supposed to be funny?  What happened to you? 

– One word, people…………..SHAM-WOW!  Say it while doing “jazz hands”…it’s even more fun that way.

– Come on, Kevin Smith couldn’t even make Seth Rogen funny…and Kevin is a comic GENIUS!

– I had a very bad day yesterday.  I REALLY missed my ex-girlfriend.  Then I got to thinking…if I didn’t drink as much, I would have a much steadier aim.

– Hey Seth Rogen, you know how I know you’re gay?  Cause that bit is the ONLY funny thing you have ever done.  Oh, and cause you are Seth Fuckin’ Rogen.

– And finally, Al Sharpton, please SHUT THE FUCK UP!

That’s it for now…..oh, and Seth Rogen sucks.

Till next time….drinks are on me,

BL

Oh No…..Not VD!

Posted in Uncategorized on February 11, 2009 by cerebralpunishment
Around this time last year, I wrote two rants:  One about Valentines’ Day, the other about “Chick Flicks”.  The response I received was pretty amazing.  Seems that some people are actually coming to their senses on these particular issues.  So, for this year, I have decided to take it a step further and do some research on the topics…some real honest-to-goodness field work.  Let’s start with Valentines’ Day…or as I call it….VD!

According to the Random House Dictionary, the definition of “extortion” is “the crime of obtaining money or some other thing of value by the abuse of one’s office or authority”.  The American Heritage Dictionary defines “extortion” as “illegal use of one’s official position or powers to obtain property, funds, or patronage”. Usually, when you hear the word extortion, it is somehow connected to organized crime groups…you know, the mafia, the “family”, the Sopranos.  These people will threaten violence, pain, and suffering if they don’t receive some form of payment for their “protection”.  After reading all that, I started to wonder why this seemed to remind me of VD…and then it hit me.  See if you can follow me on this:

Basically, an organized crime group (women) will use their “official position” (wife, girlfriend, mistress) to obtain property, funds, or some thing of value(diamonds, chocolate, flowers, cruises, etc.).  If these demands are met, than the man will have “protection” (sex, beer, steak, football with the guys).  If these demands are not met, then the infliction of pain and suffering (men will get NO sex, beer, steak, football with the guys) will occur.  Simple math….Valentines’ Day equals Legalized Extortion! 

Men, this is no longer just the simple matter of buying a card and flowers to keep the peace.  By doing this, you are giving in to the criminals of society…you are letting the terrorists win.  It is your duty to stand up to these bullies and let them know you are true, law-abiding citizens, and you WILL NOT give in to their demands.  So, when this VD rolls around, stay strong, be ready, and stand your ground…and remember this, “Steak and a Blow Job Day” is right around the corner….let’s see how they react to that.

Now, for my field research.  For the sake of my semi-loyal Lee-Tards, I punished myself this past weekend by going to watch “He’s Just Not That Into You”.  I knew this would be 129 minutes of my life I would never get back, but I had to find some “good” in it.  What I was able to do, was prove all of my previous theories on chick flicks.  First of all, the very small crowd was 90% female.  They were scattered in small packs throughout the theater.  Including me, I counted 4 men….all on “dates”.  These guys either lost bets or were praying that this sacrifice was going to help them get the little lady to have sex with them that night.  The best part of the night was the couple that walked in behind us.  They were in their late teens.  The girl looked VERY happy to be seeing this movie.  The guy…not so much.  As they were walking in, this guy announced (in one of the greatest sarcastic voices I have ever heard), that this “was going to be the greatest movie EVER”.  The look that girl gave to that guy would have stopped a stampeding bull.  Any chance this guy had of getting laid was lost even before the first preview.

The movie itself was filled with all the normal stereotypes that seem to be prominent in these types of films. 

The entire cast – good looking (no ugly people allowed)…check. 

Super crazy ditzy chick (who in real life would NEVER get a date) meeting the love of her life….check.

Stereotypical non-threatening gay men who give dating advice….check. 

Oh yes, this movie had the “Chick Flick Hat Trick”.

I will not rehash my thoughts on these types of movies.  If you want to know more…scroll back a few pages and read what I wrote a year ago….trust me, it still holds true.  As far as romance and VD are concerned, read my rant on that as well.  That is why I am here…..helping the people out…one made-up holiday at a time.

Till next time….drinks are on me,

BL

2009 New Year Resolutions

Posted in Uncategorized on January 13, 2009 by cerebralpunishment

Happy New Year, my semi-loyal Lee-tards!  Time again for those pesky New Years Resolutions.  I waited a few extra days before I finally decided on mine….I think that way, I might have a better chance of keeping them.  So, what have we got in store for this year?  I resolve to:

– Bring back the words “Skulduggery” and “Nefarious”.  They are not used nearly enough.

– Eradicate the ESPN empire.  Time for those Yankee-loving, New England jock-sniffing, no-hockey-showing, poker-is-not-a-sport-but-we show-it-anyway, desk jockey clown punchers to pay for their blatant racism, favoritism, and any other “ism” I can think of.

– No longer attempt to “rebuild old bridges”, but instead focus on what the asshole on the other side of the bridge did to make me burn it, then figure out a way to launch missiles and bombs and implements of destruction across that gap onto said asshole.  Quite frankly, I don’t like building bridges… I have people that handle my manual labor for me, anyway.

– Not be swayed into thinking that a great set of tits make up for lack of intelligence and personality.

– No longer check to see if a joke offends someone before I say it.  Call it comedy…call it satire…call it whatever you want….just deal with it.

– And to go along with the last one….more Heath Ledger jokes in 2009.

– Give up on watching baseball until they get a salary cap….unless I can get some material to bash the Yankees, Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds, or any of the other steroid boys.

I think that’s a good start.  So, let’s hear it….what are your resolutions? 

Till next time…drinks are on me,

BL