F U ESPN!!!! (Part II)

Posted in Uncategorized on November 10, 2010 by cerebralpunishment

Just when I thought I had my anger management issues under control, ESPN does it to me again. It’s been a while since I ranted about this “sports channel”, but after the past few months of stewing, I can’t hold it back. Where to start?

The Summer That Wasn’t (or ESPN covers The World Cup): Yep, here’s that soccer event that happens every 4 years. (I WILL NOT call it “Football” like the Europeans do. We won the war, we can call it whatever we want) I found out why they only hold it every 4 years. It’s because 90% of the countries that participate in it need those 4 years to scrounge up enough money to be able to fly to whatever God-forsaken country that is holding said event. If you really need a reason to watch it, simply watch it for the riots that occur between the fans of the countries that REALLY hate each other.

ESPN still hates hockey: Explain this to me. Someone tell me why ESPN needs four men to discuss the NBA finals, but only one man to talk about the NHL Playoffs. Really? It takes four men to tell me that Kobe Bryant and LeBron James don’t know how to PASS? I would pay to see Matthew Barnaby walk off the hockey set, walk over to the NBA set, and show all 4 of these idiots what a “hard foul” really feels like.

Déjà vu: Brett Favre, LeBron James, Dallas Cowboys, Yankees, Brett Favre, LeBron James, Dallas Cowboys, Brett Favre, Yankees, LeBron James, Cowboys, Brett Yankees, LeBron Cowboys, Yankee Favre, oh..and Big Ben didn’t rape some skank in Georgia!

A Douche Bag by Any Other Name: Do you know what Colin Cowherd, Mike Greenberg, Bill Plashcke, Michael Wilbon, Tony Kornheiser, and Jim Rome have in common? None of them have ever played sports a day in their life, yet ESPN feels the need to pay them and give them air time.

So, there you have it. Be on the look out for Part III…I am sure these assholes will find yet ANOTHER way to piss me off before the year is over.

Till next time….drinks are on me,


An Open Letter to Maryland Drivers.

Posted in Uncategorized on September 15, 2010 by cerebralpunishment

Starting October 1st, Maryland state law will prohibit motorist from talking on a cell phone while operating a motor vehicle. Now, while this is a GREAT idea, it still doesn’t solve the myriad of problems that Maryland “drivers” actually cause. To wit, my complaints:

– When driving on a 4-lane road, the right lane is for “traveling” and the left lane is for “passing”. It’s a simple rule that is taught on day 3 of Drivers’ Ed. Apparently, this is too much for your average Marylander to handle.

– Can someone tell me why it takes so fucking long for people in Maryland to make a right hand turn? Really?

– What is up with the “Rolling Tombstones”? What happened to the good old days of sports or political bumper stickers? Those were fun. Instead, I am stuck looking at “In Memory Of…” on every other car. And of course, if you try to read the fine print on these things, you will probably cause an accident…..then someone will have an “In Memory of…. YOU” sticker on their car!

– Wow, you’re in the military? I would never have known unless I saw all those stickers on your car…and the license plate…and the license plate frame. How much is the Navy paying you for all that advertising?

– “Fat” is not a handicap. Just because you can’t put down the Twinkies and Mountain Dew you think you have the right to park in handicap parking spaces. You don’t. I have an idea. Why don’t you park at the far end of the lot, and WALK? That might help cure your “handicap”.

– I always thought a solid yellow line painted on a sidewalk meant “no parking” or “emergency vehicles only”. However, in Southern Maryland, it means “Welfare Recipient Parking”. That makes sense. I mean, we can’t expect you to park 30 feet away when you are stopping to spend my tax dollars on your 12-packs of Stroh’s and lottery tickets now, can we?

– A recently conducted scientific study has provided the following results: In Southern Maryland, the ratio of Ford Mustangs to Homosexual Males is roughly 1:1. The study went on to report that these same people also think the movie “Top Gun” is a documentary.

I am sure I missed some people here, so I am asking all you non-Maryland motorists to let me know what you see the next time you lose a bet and have to drive through Maryland.

Till next time…drinks are on me,


2010 New Year Resolutions (Late Edition)

Posted in Uncategorized on January 26, 2010 by cerebralpunishment

Well, one of my first New Year’s Resolutions was going to be “update my site in a more timely manner”, but as you can see by the date, that one has already gone out the window. I do, however, have a few more that I plan on keeping. So, here’s what Brian is going to do in 2010.

– In keeping up with current technology, all my live shows will now be in 3-D.

– Last year, I made a resolution to bring back the words “Nefarious” and “Skullduggery”. This year, I am making up a new phrase that I want you all to use. For now on, instead of saying “you got screwed/fucked over” you will now say “You got Pine’d”. Anyone who was in Altoona last year knows EXACTLY what this means.

– I am going to embrace “Change” and “Hope”. I will take the “Change” the government has left me after taxes and “Hope” to buy a winning lottery ticket with it.

– I will come to terms with that fact that life is not just one long episode of “Scrubs”. However, I will continue to believe that Dr. Perry Cox, is indeed a Prophet and He will lead us into the Promised Land.

– I will finish establishing the First Church Of Brian-Tology. Remember, membership is just an email away.

– I am going to make people realize that Hockey is the greatest sport in the world. And staying with the world of sports, I will continue my war against ESPN and not rest until Colin Cowherd, Steven A. Smith, Mike Wilbon, Tony Kornheiser, and Mike Greenberg are all unemployed.

– This one might hurt but……I will no longer tolerate people who come up to me and say “you should use this (insert lame story/joke/anecdote here) in your act”. At this point, you will have my undivided attention…and will you most likely not appreciate my response. There are certain people who are exempt from this rule, but they already know who they are. The rest of you, heed above warning.

– I am going to make the United States a better place….as soon as I can figure out how to saw Maryland/Washington D.C. off the continent and float it over to Europe.

So, that’s what I got. Let me know what you think. Happy 2010 to everyone!

Till next time…drinks are on me,