More dates? More Relationships? More Bullshit!

So, here we are…another Valentine’s Day.  At this point, you are either deeply in love, desperately single, bought and paid for, or just enjoying life.  If you fall into the “single” category, you might be considering an “alternative” way of meeting that significant other…online dating.

Now, if you believe the hype in the t.v. commercials, this is a 100%, sure fire way to meet the love of your life.  Speaking from experience, this is absolute bullshit.  They will try to convince you that by answering a bunch of questions about yourself, listing your likes and dislikes, what you can and cannot live without, and describing your “perfect match” will have them flocking to your door.  Well, as a veteran of the online dating wars, I am here to give you the battle plan on how to be successful in the war on terror…er, I mean, dating.  Here are some things to look (and look out for) on online dating sites.  (As a disclaimer, and to be honest, this is going to help out the guys more than the ladies…sorry, girls).

Let’s start with “what I am looking for”.  First off ladies, coming out of the box saying “I am ready to settle down”, “long term commitment” or “ready for marriage” is NOT the way to find Mr. Right.  Remember, we are scared of commitment, so that is the worse way to step into a relationship.  You are not going to say that to someone you would meet in a bar or some other in person encounter, why do it here? Slow it down, already….let’s get to know each other first.  Plus, I am looking at the pictures of you in your push up bra and miniskirt at the bar with seventeen empty shot glasses in front of you…..I  can tell you are ready to settle down. Which leads to…..

Don’t say “I don’t want a fling or one night stand”.  As soon as you take the potential for sex off the table, we lose interest.  We have to know that there is at least a chance it’s going to happen.  Romance?  It can happen….just quit asking for it…just like you want us to quit asking for sex.  Just like sex is earned, romance is earned.  If I like you, the romance should be automatic.  However, remember ladies, romance means different things to different people.

“Must love kids”.  Sorry, I don’t have to.  Next.

Some dating websites make you list “things you can’t do without”.  Here is a list of some of the things people say they can’t do without along with what it REALLY means.

car/phone/money – superficial (duh)

wine – functional alcoholic

Chapstick – blowjobs.

Yoga/gym/running shoes – your ass says otherwise.

passport – potentially hiding from the law.

My kids – what did you do the other XX years of your life you didn’t have seemed to do just fine.

And finally, don’t ever let a woman tell you she is looking for a man “with a sense of humor”.  I am a comic, they should be knocking down my door.  Instead, I all I hear is “your sexist”.  WTF!?  Be honest with yourselves.  What you really mean is “I want a 6’4″, rich, underwear model who tells knock knock jokes”.

Well, I hope this helps.  Best of luck in your searches.  If you can’t be lucky in love…I hope you all just get lucky!

Till next time…drinks are on me,





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